by Angela Ackerman
It's an ordinary morning in thousands of apartments occupied by bachelors. Wrinkled, dirty clothes and damp, mildewy towels appear to spread like fungus on the worn carpet, creating an unpleasant odor throughout the housing unit. Mold attacks filthy dishes crusted with last week's spaghetti. They are stacked into steep piles in the sink where drops of water steadily drip, hitting the stainless-steel ravine below. The refrigerator contains nothing edible, except possibly a bottle of ketchup or mustard for the fast food meals brought home from McDonald's. Food may be scarce, but drink is not. Several cases of Bud Light and at least twenty individual beer cans are being stored for an emergency--a spontaneous, wild, weekday party. Authentic posters of Mercedes and Porsches plaster the walls to camouflage holes caused by amateur wrestling matches. Gazing on the scene and also hiding wall abuse are life-size posters of sports heroes such as Bo Jackson and Joe Montana and exotic women like Elle McPherson, Cindy Crawford, and Julia Roberts. Most bachelors comfortably hibernate in these grotesque living quarters (Friedman 5-24).
Although many single men share these characteristics, bachelors can be subdivided into several specific categories according to what motivates their behavior. Are the great passions of their lives influenced by their beloved mother, their prospective wife, their sex hormones, their sporting life, or their big ego? Furthermore, their treatment of and attitude toward the opposite sex varies tremendously, something a woman must always consider when selecting her man.
Pampered Bachelor: This man is completely mother-dependent. Ever since childhood, he has received extensive support and comfort from his mom. For example, if he scraped his knee after falling off his bicycle, she would kiss his boo-boo and bake a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies. Only after this motherly treatment would his pain disappear. In addition, he clings to her like static and feels insecure without her constant reassurance. The "mama's boy" definition fits him perfectly. It's a surprise he can flush the toilet by himself. Furthermore, her opinions rule all his actions. If she says jump, he asks how high. Even though he is now a grown man living on his own, he still relies on his mom's "babying" to survive. She continues to cook his meals, wash his clothes, and clean his apartment. Therefore, he believes his mother is the ideal role model for all single women to follow. If you get involved with this may, you must not only get along with his mother, but you must also be exactly like her. Can you satisfy his every need?
Wife-Hungry Bachelor: This single man is dying to tie-the-knot. Unlike many other bachelors, his life is highly organized. He has a stable, good-paying job, he owns a new house that is completely furnished, and he has a dog named Sam. However, there are two missing elements--a wife and children. Could his biological clock be ticking? In addition, his actions clearly demonstrate his desire to get married: he constantly talks about it, dreams about it, and hints about it. Moreover, he plans a "wife search." The first step occurs when he schedules a date with a promising prospect. He sends her red roses, heart-shaped candy, and small gifts. By going to an exquisite restaurant, like La Maison on Telfair, he makes an excellent first impression. Finally, to end the evening on a good note, he uses a little romantic literature from Shakespeare--"Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?" Unfortunately, these tactics do not always work. His seriousness intimidates the woman. After all, marriage is definitely not a first-date subject. Nevertheless, he persists. After only three dates, he buys her a rock for an engagement ring and claims that they were destined to get married from the start. Is he desperate or what? The bottom line is that it doesn't necessarily matter whom he marries. The important thing to him is that he gets married--and soon!
One-Night-Stand Bachelor: This creep's testosterone level has no doubt sky-rocketed. He is the typical pervert who has a one track mind. For example, when he spots a good-looking victim, he immediately turns on his charm and offers abundant compliments like, "You sure do look sexy tonight." His dates take place in his apartment. The lights are dimmed, and the couch is transformed into a bed with the sheets turned down. While the steaks cook on the grill outside, he continually fills your wine glass. Don't be fooled by his seduction because he has no intention of being involved in a serious relationship. All he wants is a cheap thrill. By all means, avoid this bachelor--he is the one most likely to have AIDS in ten years.
Sports-Fanatic Bachelor: This guy's daily life revolves around watching games on Sports South and ESPN, and his conversation is limited to Michael Jordan's performance the night before. His ideal date is going to a baseball game and eating hot dogs and Cracker Jacks. You wait for him to burst into "Take me out to the ball game..." While he reminisces about the glorious days of high school when he was star quarterback of the state's "power house," you glance at your watch every ten seconds and hope he gets the hint. Too bad he hasn't maintained his athletic physique from those days. Instead, his couch-potato behavior contributes to a beer gut which he cleverly hides with loose-fitting clothes, usually sweat pants and an extra-large T-shirt. Romance is not a word in his vocabulary, and if you expect attention, forget it! It would be appropriate to say that this man wants a slave for a wife--someone who will fetch his beer and locate the remote control when it's missing.
"Rico Suave" Bachelor: Above all, this charmer is fickle, flirtatious, egotistical, and even heartless. Nonetheless, he is gorgeous and has style; he looks like he just walked out of GQ magazine. Shapely muscles protrude from every inch of his tan body. His sex appeal stimulates your body as you gasp for air while your heart beats faster and your palms sweat. He leisurely travels from one woman to another like a bumblebee from flower to flower. Never will you see the same woman more than once with this man. He dates several different women during the week and at the same time constantly looks for new prospects. Even if he wanted to find the "perfect" woman, he couldn't because his perception of her is far too unrealistic. One minute he wants a conservative, tidy, and responsible woman, and the next minute he wants a sexy, wild, and eccentric woman. Most importantly, he has perfected the art of "commitment dodging." He refuses to acknowledge a relationship, much less marriage, as a future option. If you think he will settle down with you, be prepared for a letdown--he will never be satisfied with just one woman.
So, what do we do with these bachelors? Although they have their flaws, we women can't live without them--or so the saying goes. They add spice to our lives (not to mention that they give us something more to gossip about). However, we have to adjust to their imperfections by learning how to accept them as they are. Of course, we will attempt this, but in reality we will forever try to transform them into our perception of Mr. Wonderful. Maybe one day we will succeed! Work Cited
Friedman, Bruce Jay. The Lonely Guy's Book of Life. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Company, 1978.