No absolute right way of bringing up children exists, although some ways may be less wrong than others. Hence, some ways are safer and more effective than others. Few adults disagree that children need love and discipline, yet discipline is one of the most controversial issues in today's society among parents and educators. Both agree effective discipline is essential in teaching children proper behavior; however, many children develop problems because adults use punishment on them too frequently or too forcefully. Even though many adults rely on punishment as their most common way to control children, adults need to learn and practice the principle of reinforcement more and use punishment less in order to improve children's behavior.
Walter Simmons, a family therapist in Westchester, New York, reports, "A lot of parents confuse discipline with punishment. . . . Punishment is a reaction to a problem. Discipline . . . has to do with guidance and teaching" (qtd. in Kutner C8). As Simmons implies, punishing children does not teach them; effective discipline does. Teaching children what to do and then punishing them when they don't obey is not effective discipline.
Many adults who misuse punishment oppose trying other methods to improve children's behavior. Those who oppose punishment are often not open-minded and resist any change in the way they rear children. These opposing adults strongly believe in punishing children and argue that reinforcement is bribery. Too often, adults who believe in punishment ignore children unless they misbehave. The author of Changing Children's Behavior writes, "most adults use punishment more frequently than they would wish, perhaps because they know no alternatives or because they cannot control their own hostilities . . . " (Krumboltz 183). The adults who are unaware of alternatives to punishment are usually those who were brought up under the biblical admonition to "spare the rod, spoil the child" (Proverbs 13:24). On the other hand, adults who cannot control their own hostilities have most likely received an unreasonable amount of physical and verbal punishment when they were children. Adults who were abused as children may not have received love; therefore, they probably did not learn how to give love. As a result, they do not praise children for their attempts but knock them down for every mistake.
It is unfortunate that adults misuse punishment on children for any reason. The adults who interpret the "rod" to mean an instrument to punish with are probably not aware that the shepherds also used the "rod" to defend, guide, and redirect the sheep. Hostile adults who are overzealous in punishing children oftentimes do not realize that they are leaving children physically and mentally scarred for life. Any adult who believes in punishing children could lose control and become abusive; therefore, it is best for adults to learn other effective methods for improving children's behavior.
One alternative which works to improve children's behavior is the principle of positive reinforcement. Recognizing and rewarding children's good behavior with some type of reward reinforces that behavior, resulting in good behavior more often. Praise is an effective reward for children, but it is best to tell them specifically why they are being praised. For example, instead of saying "good boy," it is more effective to say, "We are so proud of the way you picked up your toys and put them away." Other rewards that can be used to reinforce good behavior are treats, fun activities, or loving hugs. Positive reinforcement builds children's self-esteem and teaches them exactly which behaviors are expected to them. As the author of Changing Children's Behavior points out, "Reinforcement is not bribery. . . . Bribery is a misuse of reinforcement" (Krumboltz 25). To illustrate the effectiveness of positive reinforcement, there is the instance of a teacher who had trouble getting students to do homework until she began praising the students who did and stopped fussing at the kids who did not; twice as many students started doing homework (Pryor 47). Children need to be praised frequently for their attempts even when they make mistakes. Too little reinforcement or too much punishment can potentially harm and depress children.
Another alternative to punishment for improving children's behavior is the negative reinforcement principle which is not as negative an experience as is the punishment. Negative reinforcement also causes good behavior to be repeated more often. If an adult yells at a child or spanks a child and sends that child to his or her room for one hour, this is punishment. Furthermore, if a child requests something in a disrespectful way and the adult sends the child away until he or she can come back and ask nicely, this example demonstrates the use of negative reinforcement. This child has been taught what kind of behavior is expected, while the punished child may come out of the room an hour later without any improved behavior. Applying the negative reinforcement principle teaches children to change their own behavior in order to avoid unpleasant situations. Timing is important when using positive and negative reinforcement; both are most effective when applied during or immediately after a behavior (Pryor 49).
Jenny Friedman, a learning disability specialist, claims, "When children are punished- -spanked, yelled at, or sent to their room--they focus on their own anger . . . rather than how they can make amends" (Friedman 42). Any type of punishment misused on children can cause potentially increasing behavioral problems. Thus, children who receive continual harsh punishment often reciprocate with rebellion, withdrawal, or violence.
Granted, some form of punishment may be necessary on rare occasions, such as teaching a child the meaning of no. Punishment may also be the only way to save a child from danger in emergency situations. In some situations, punishment may be the only way to get a child to try some alternative behavior which can then be reinforced. Nevertheless, adults must be aware of their reason for using punishment in these situations, making sure it is not done out of anger or frustration. Since adults often lose control when administering punishment to children, it is safer for them to punish only on rare occasions.
Adults must stop merely controlling children by punishing them and learn to implement the safer and more effective reinforcement principles to improve children's behavior. Children need to be noticed when they are behaving properly, not only when they are misbehaving. After all, every adult's goal is to help children grow into loving people who will one day behave as they should when there is not anyone around to discipline or punish them.
Works Cited
Freidman, Jenny. "Discipline Without Spanking." American Baby March 1992: 40-44.
Krumboltz, John D. and Helen Brandhorst. Changing Children'sBehavior. Englewood Cliffs: Prentice-Hall, 1972.
Kutner, Lawrence. "Parent and Child." The New York Times 1 Sept. 1988: C8.
Pryor, Karen. "The Power of Praise." Reader's Digest July 1984: 47-50.